Wordsmithing - darkness ascending

A look into my darker days. Processing being lost, self doubt, directionlessness, emotional turmoil, the dangers of wearing ones heart on ones sleeve.

Being strong and serene on the outside does not mean there might not be a storm inside that can swallow the world but also self destruct.

We all carry darkness inside us. It depends on how we deal with it on how it therefore effects us. For me writing helps with all my emotions be they, happy, angry, sad, passionate. I don't know why I stopped for so long. I guess we are taught to bottle things up to bursting. I find writing or other creative reflective processes help to put it out there, to reexamine it or sometimes to close the door on it. But at least we let it out. 

Making light:

Emotion, Connection

A heart is a fragile thing

making light but being torn

a mirror broken into thousand pieces.

See the rainbow

make the world shine

Hide the chaos

close your eyes to the rain.

Crossroads:

Sometimes tears fall unbidden

when you think you are strong

but unconnected

lost and wondering

you turn from side to side

awake, alert, inside you're stone

Crossroads shrouded in mist

You stand still

you hold your breath

the world keeps moving all around

In a time warp,

trapped and caged

you stand still in a time laps world

Crossroads and the roads are burning

Nothing real and tangible

all transient and opaque

Tears are not rational

it makes no sense

Proclaim again how fine you are

you may belief it yet

Crossroads flooded in tears

Examine, look inside

find nothing

just empty, hollow ground

can't feel and can not think

and still the heart is heavy

and tears are burning

Crossroads with no way to turn

Lost:

Lost with nowhere to turn

prisoner of despair

Darkness ascending

as the light is swallowed up

Empty, desolate

Every direction the same

Reflection

Looking into your eyes in the mirror

seeing yourself reflected again and again

Infinity going deeper and deeper

in, in, in towards your soul

There a window opens

barely ajar by a fraction

What do you find?

Another mirror

Staring at yourself

naked, bare, vulnerable

What is left when all is stripped away?

When nothing is left to hide behind?

Face yourself

don't close your eyes.

Abyss:

Expecting too much

Wanting too much

Feeling too much

Tumbling into the abyss

down, down, down

a never ending spiral

falling,

loosing your grip

no one to throw a line

Strength unraveled:

I am strong and vivacious

while

I am vulnerable and worried

I laugh at life and smile onto danger

while

I cry inside where no one can see

I pick myself back up and am open

while

I tremble in pain and am broken

Falling to pieces:

Nowhere to turn, nowhere to hide

the mirror shows you my true inside

Pieces of me lay scattered about

after the storm has blown itself out

The outer layers are chipped away

pain and hurt are like decay

Strength and power were an illusion

now follows the sobering conclusion

Stripped to the soul there is nothing to hide

patiently I wait to be swept off by the tide

Let go of it all for good this time

as I stop pretending to be just fine

Falling apart is nothing new

the Phoenix should have been your clue

But resurrection gets harder each time

until I don't know which pieces are mine

The Phoenix may fly on bright wings again

but the road to be mended in paved in blood and pain

Pieces of me:

Held together by invisible strings

giving the illusion of wholeness

Cut the strings or let go

and a million pieces will fall at your feet

Empty:

Writing till I'm empty

writing till there is nothing left

writing till the tears have dried

and now I'm hollow

numb to the world

all senses dulled

all thoughts gone

Now I can fall asleep

and let the sweet darkness take me in.

no title:

From darkness we are born

and into darkness we will return

Darkness:

Darkness is ascending

Like the cumulating clouds

They pile up one by one

Blotting out the sun

The world beneath now holds its breath

Frozen in place, immovable and still

Waiting until the blood runs cold in my veins

Waiting as the heartbeat slows to a stop

Time slows to a standstill

No tick, no tock just silence

Slowly the darkness engulfs me

Taking my senses away

No sound, no smell

No touch, no taste

No sight, no thought

I am nothing now

and everything

melting into the darkness

I let go

and I am gone

Drowning in nothing

Heart full of empty

pressing painfully against its walls

Feeling of busting, splitting open

tumbling out nothing but hollowness

Drowning in air unable to breath

lungs full and heavy with nothing inside

compressed agonizingly like a burden on your chest

crushing ever down till it deflates and caves

Eyes stare out through invisible bars

seeing past them but taking nothing in

just gazing into the distance unfocused

silent screams behind each blink

The mind keeps busy, ever working

taking in stories that do not count

Just thinking thoughts of nothing

as they blur and fade desolation sets in.

Mistake:

An open heart just invites pain

hurt might be inflicted without intent

but it stings all the same

Heart on your sleeve:

To carry your heart on your sleeve

makes you vulnerable you fool

you bubble nonsense making light

magic the world into everything bright

untouchable

uncaring

caution to the wind

strong as the raging storm

yet fragile as the heart lays open

a book with its pages torn

let it bleed dry that shriveled little heart

maybe then if you carry it on your sleeve

it will no longer matter

Close your heart:

Close the door to your heart

Lock it up

and throw away the key

No beat

No throb

No softness

Hard and heavy

but

save and still

Let it be buried for all times

it is easier that way

A heart of flesh:

My heart was steel now it is real

soft and red and raw

A spear has struck its core

with each breath anew the pain I feel

Push it through or pull it out

The tear will burn and hurt like fire

there is no good way to go about

that is the price you pay for desire

The wound will bleed and seep and weep

healing a broken heart takes time

while the pain is fresh dull it with sleep

until one day you'll be just fine

To love or not to love:

To love is an easy thing

So love a lot and freely

However to offer your heart is not

Raw, red and pulsing

on your outstretched hand it lies

you offer it up to the market

to be prodded and tasted and teased

is it worth it?

The pain and humiliation?

Fool for love:

Fool I am

For I do not jump I leap

Not from a wall but right off a cliff

I should have learned by now

but a romantic fool I ever be

and tumble

tumble ever down…

maybe one day you catch me

The Road:

On the road again

The path is shrouded in mist

I can not see the road

I stumble and fall

Picking myself up again

Continue on, keep going

I take a step and then another

not knowing where it leads

Each step could take me to the abyss

and yet I stumble on

Lost, alone and frightened

Will this road crumble beneath me to dust?

I wish there was sunshine to part the mist

to see the road unfold

To avoid the boulders and rugged paths

the dead ends and blocked ways

Even just a light to guide me

to keep my footfall save

But sound and light are swallowed

as the mist unfurls around me

Will I forever wonder

without a goal or end?

But what else can I do?

So I walk on until the end...

Kali's encouragement:

Some days Kali is not the one you want to be be chosen by

When you fall and stumble

she does not reach out to embrace you or lend a hand

she smirks at you

the corner of her mouth turns to a snarl

“Don't look at me! Pick yourself back up women.”

she will say

“How do you expect to grow strong if you can't even do that?”

She will loom over you fierce and forbidding

“Be your own hero! Roar into the face of death and danger!”

Instead of lending me her hand she'll kick me with her naked foot

“Until you return to the wheel of rebirth, so long as there is breath in your current shell, get up and live! Don't waste my time with your weakness!”

Ah a loving patroness she is

She stands and watches emotionless

as I slowly rise onto all fours

my spine bruised,

my knees chafed,

my hands bleeding,

my muscles aching.

And yet her presence alone give me strength

My trust in her is boundless

Does she lead me on my path?

No that is not her way

Silently she watches my decisions

watches me rise and fall time and again

It is my life

and I must find my way alone

Regardless of my choices she will remain beside me

and that is all I can ask

And when she does grant me a boon it comes at a price

as she does not give advise

Alas this is my lady

hash as it may sound

I am hers and that is it.