I didn’t intend this blog to be for personal entries but for subject matters that occupy my brain space and that I wish to be vocal about in one way or another.
However my whirlpool of a life has been spiralling into so many directions that it is just too much to put into tiny and coherent bits that I thought I might start log book entries on occasion.
So today I actually write to update you on my life.
Now 2018 is a very exiting and change filled year. I am soon embarking on a journey that will take me to the other side of the earth (packing is in progress) in order to learn, grow, turn in, connect, teach and just simply be as well as settle again and plan ahead. However lets rewind a little.
Stardate 2014.03 – 2017.08
Now lets do this in the quickest and most coherent and painless way possible.
2014 was possibly the worst year of my life although it had many good bits in it. It took the death of two people in my immediate family to bring me back to Germany and with it out of the direct influence of my classically emotionally abusive boyfriend. In many regards I feel like my grand uncles death may have saved my life in turn.
So in any case if you read my #MeToo entry on here you’ll get an insight into the fun and giggles my last couple relationships were. It took me till September 2014 to truly break out of that devastating last disaster and jumping ship before it drowned me entirely. Alas it would be arrogant and a plain lie to say I just moved on and got over it, I think I’ve only really started to shake of the chains that bound me.
Vietnam
Admittedly I went full steam ahead and on into what looked liked adventure modus by going to Vietnam to teach yoga. It was a great move and a wonderful year and in many regards exactly what I needed. I lived for my work and my students but that was it. However it was also one of the safest moves I’ve ever done. The way I see it there was absolutely no risk taking on my part and in many regards although I did go all out in my job it was a cushy thing. Now you might say, well I see nothing wrong with this and it’s true it was good. Alas when I left the UK I was running my own show on a part time basis and really what I wanted was expand on that not regress from it but I had lost a lot of my drive and confidence due to self doubt. And on a personal level I was just stagnant and just didn’t deal with my emotional baggage. I just closed the doors to heart, mind and soul and just went into static mode. I like to think I appeared emotionally pretty much well balanced apart from the times when life threw like external factors into the mix like Deange fever, a road accident or being robbed in the middle of the day sitting at a cafe. But it’s easy to be emotionally balanced when you are emotionally empty. I was just going through the motions a bit like Buffy in the musical episode. Stuff got done and life went on I just wasn’t fully part of it.
Hong Kong
In 2015 I went back to India to continue my education before taking what looked like my new adventurous leap to HK. Again actually I played it safe and it backfired in the end but we come to that.
India as always was a great choice for many reasons and I leaned a lot and met many wonderful people who I love to bits. However I had by now closed myself up emotionally enough that you could have probably prodded my brain with a large needle and would not have gotten much of a reaction out of me. I am sure I could have grown more in both my physical as well as my spiritual practice had I been ALL there, but I dare say in retrospect I really was not. Oh self reflection you are a bitch. If you package a part of yourself off and tell yourself often enough it’s unimportant and not needed maybe even tell yourself you function better without it you believe it after all.
In HK I continued my hermit existence and although I build some amazing friendships with some fun-fabulous people you can count them on one hand. I was enthusiastic and vivacious at work slipping on my work persona like a glove but taking it off as soon as I came out of class. I had no grand ambition or real goals apart from gaining experience and developing my aerial program. Well as it turn out that’s not how HK works. See and be seen is the thing as well as teach as everyone else does apparently and turn yoga into a mindless string of fitness movements never mind whether your class is capable of doing a decent downward dog but lets not get into that, shall we. Also I am exaggerating for effect here, there are also some great teachers out there struggeling on against the fitness craze.
Now I could have never signed fully and comfortably on to the second part (because I just can’t bring myself to teaching a class that is basically a group fitness class for people to sweat in under the label yoga) but I could and should have tried on the first and I really didn’t.
I used to be a driving force pulling people with me, putting on shows at my University, taking my girls to events, making my friends do stuff they otherwise wouldn’t, celebrating Yule big open house style at my place, having chocolate nights and what not and THAT I haven’t done in years. Now don’t get me wrong I’ve always been more ice queen than fluffy kitten when it comes to people, specially meeting new folks but that’s more to do with not caring to socialise with just anyone and instead choosing my friends with care. Also I run out of small talk like 5 minutes into the conversation. Why? because I am that person, that despite porcupine spikes all the way carries her heart on her sleeve as well. So I just don’t care parading my sleeves round on show to everybody and when I have a conversation I want to know everything about that person too.
So anyway clearly HK and me did not jam on many levels partly because I’m a suborn Taurus with principles that will not bend or shift even an inch and partly because I was just as sociable as a piece of furniture (the kind of antique furniture you can’t even sit on and that look already damn uncomfortable). After my first year there it was clear I was just biding my time (I did love each an every one of my returning students and private students but it would have never been enough to hold me in HK) and when due to several colliding circumstances my employment ended a little earlier than anticipated it was really a stroke of luck in disguise. My “just going through the motions” time came to a full stop.
Organised little me, who as my friend says goes on holiday with a spread sheet for timetabling activities, may have folded in a tiny bit after a couple of weeks of purely repressing the issues at hand. Over the last few years I had been planing everything very carefully with months of organising and preparing, now I was like a fish out of water. So I had two months to figure out where I’d be by the end of the year with the only guideline that I must be in Germany in September 2018 (mum’s 60th wouldn’t miss that for anything).
I do not do things by half
So if my life turns upside down I may as well open the flood gates right?
Why after all did you think I started tindering? After a good three years of shutting the door on all y-chromosomes I generally couldn’t have cared less to let them back in. I was truly (and am again) quite happy with them on the other side of the bridge that I had burned to the ground, using explosives.
However I figured I do it all. Figure out my next move, doing the social engagement thing, pulling out all the crap I had stored in my personal Pandora’s box, being spontaneous and unplanned, checking on what the y-chromosome has been up to of late, taking risks.
Boy has it been a roller coaster in ways of gaining experience all along the way learning much about myself in the process.
You obviously can read about my first, what was it, 5?6? weeks on Tinder in my blog post Shiver my Tinder. It’s been entertaining and educational on many levels. The short of it I encountered some real “nice” guys true gems of the human species where you just hope they will never procreate, as well as genuine cool people I was happy to hang with. And no during my first social experiment there were no carnal activities stop your dirty minds right there. My research into female sexuality came later and I still have to evaluate the findings and bolster that with conversations I had and am still going to have with friends ;)
So, anyway I actively worked on being more social, going out more, meeting new people while looking for new work options on the side.
Now I had planed to continue in Asia with my eye on Singapore (because you know English speaking, lots of yoga great hub to facilitate retreats) but instead an opportunity fell into my lap I could not say no to although it took me a while to accept it.
Momentom Colletive!
An aerial and Yoga residency in (hold on to your seats) South America!!!! I applied for one of their work exchange jobs listed on Yoga Trade not really thinking I’d have a chance and the job opening was indeed filled but I was as lucky as to get a 3 month sponsorship. Truly epic! I would have been a fool to say nay.
However my inner hyper organised maniac was not entirely pleased as this posed the inconvenient time frame this venture posed (total brown paper bag breathing time for that part of me). My time in Nicaragua & Guatemala will be mid January to mid/end April. So realistically I couldn’t get proper legal employment for like a month and a half before and having to be in Germany in the beginning of September would make it tricky to find something in May/June that would allow me take holiday leave so soon after starting a new job.
So everything else now was just going to fall into place around my South America adventure.
On top of this my parents health issues have seriously been on my mind since last September too and swayed me to consider a return to Europe. It took a while to get to terms with that idea but it makes sense in many ways. So yes, lo and behold the prodigal daughter returns. And don’t be silly not the northern parts! I’d die from exposure or vitamin D withdrawal. MUST HAVE SUN!
Puzzle pieces
Sometimes things come together like puzzle pieces. Or it’s a bit like a cartoon character falling out of an air plane and during the fall organising landing cushions and scenery.
Once I had decided to take the leap it all came together in a very jumbled fashion.
I was leaving for Nicaragua in January so I couldn’t take all my crap with me that I had accumulated in HK and neither could I afford to keep my flat without employment till then. So off I went and booked my ticket to Germany for Yule. Makes mom happy, I’d get to see the fairy-goth-children as well and to repack for my new adventure and squeeze some sauna time in too. Sorted!
Now I was left with a month and a half of dead space. I organised to keep my private students for the time I was still in HK and then advertised my flat. Simultaneously I decided who knows when I’ll be back in Asia and I always, always wanted to visit Japan, hence I went heck yes I will book a flight. I also had the glorious idea of finally trying to run a retreat on Bali and pulled all the stops out to make that happen for the end of November alas it was last minute organisation and hence didn’t happen. 2 month to organise and advertise when never having done this before was obviously leaving it too late. In retrospect considering the volcano did blow up at precisely the time I was meant to be on Bali it was well I had to cancel it beforehand anyway. You know puzzle pieces, learning curve it’s all good. Nothing ventured nothing gained.
So Japan was booked. Did I have money to spare for this? By Tartarus no! I might have a sponsorship for Nicaragua but that doesn’t mean it’s gonna cost me peanuts to do this while no money is coming in. Totally dipping into my shrinking savings as is. So what did I do? I thought, hang on a moment people keep talking about Couch Surfing (CS) as if it’s the best thing since sliced bread why not try that. I mean I already discovered on my Bali trip in 2015 that solo travel for a social recluse like myself is BORING!
The CS experience Part I
I considered this a continuation of my social experiment connecting with people I probably wouldn’t otherwise. And by all the gods it was, well how shall I phrase this… interesting.
Now just to recap: As my friend says I am that person that will have a printed itinerary and a multitude of travel books when I go places so this was well out of my comfort zone. Apart from picking places I wanted to stay, purely based on proximity and CS availability, I had no clue. Once I had connected with the three people I intended to stay with (who all happened to be y-chromosome carriers) things fell into place unexpectedly. All of a sudden I wasn’t really in change of my travel but left things pretty much in the hands of my hosts who all happened to be able to hang out with me, accompany me around and in one case chauffeur me about like there is no tomorrow. All of a sudden I had travel company that was knowledgable about the places I intended on visiting. So I was just like what the heck lets go with the flow. As I was chatty with all of them before my travel even begun (me being new to CS I thought this was normal, I’m soo naive I know) and had a genuine great laugh chatting with one of them (true gem of a guy here is hoping for lasting friendship) I even ended up going to a concert with him (and because of him or more precisely because of a conversation we had) to see my beloved J-Rock band Buck Tick.
Anyone who has known me for a few years knows I used to totally fangirl and literally drawled over them particularly Atsushi Sakurai (in my humble opinion still the sexiest guy alive, fanning myself just thinking of that man). Buck Tick is like the Japanese equivalent of the Rolling Stones and they totally rock the house, I can die happy now.
My Japan trip was a wonderful experience even though I got propositioned by my first host it was done in such a way that we did still manage to part relatively amicably. Before his rather blunt admission that he had hoped for more than me crashing on his couch we did have a nice time exploring Osaka and its surroundings. My second host was quite and usual person but truly a kind well meaning man. Super knowledgable and he did go out of his way to accommodate me, even cooked for me breakfast, lunch and dinner but he was just a little hard work on a personal level. Incredibly nice just hard work. I did see amazing sights and learned a good bit about the country and culture. Kyoto is stunning during the fall. The colours were just amazing and the variety of temples and shrines where exactly my favourite type of tourism. As for my last host as I already said he was super easy going that I felt well at home. And I saw Buck Tick with him (I’m repeating myself but I am actually still wowed after all I went to a concert of my favourite band) and he even dealt with my fangirly squeeing rather well. Also best shower I had in ages, lobster boiling hot a dream with the freezing outside temperatures. Overall an unusual experience and surely not your average CS trip in general I think but an interesting and mostly lovely experience nonetheless.
Sexual (r)evolution
Meanwhile I still had some time on my hands before my journey back to Germany with very few classes to teach and most of my friends being busy worker bees. So after finally opening the can of worms, my personal Pandora’s box, and writing my bit about #MeToo I thought: OK now that I got that out of the way and looking at how screwed up my sex life has been in the past, before I closed the door and threw away the key, and the fact that I defiantly had the most comfortable bed in all of HK I figured it’d be a shame to leave it so relatively unused.
Yup that’s when I decided: well lets see what happens and set the course for sexual (r)evolution. Being female and falling within the spectrum of what most societies have brainwashed us to deem attractive it was really not difficult to find candidates for my project.
Now I am really not a One Night Stand (ONS) person, it just has no appeal for me generally speaking. Done that twice in my life before now and both times were rather disappointing events despite physical attraction levels being high. The importance of there being more than physical attraction to the equation will feature in my piece about female sexuality, be sure of that.
Oh and just a head up on that one if you are looking for me to spill the beans about bedroom acrobatics that’s sooo not what that blog post is going to be about if you are looking for that buy the pop up Kamasutra book (I’m not making this up it exists) and be done with it and neither will I talk about men themselves much either as that would be so totally beside the point. I feel I am advertising my unfinished piece here but I think I should say this: it’s more about how women approach sex, how attraction features in it, how we interact with partners, how important emotional connectedness is and yes there may be talk about does size matter both of ego as well as equipment but it’ll be very generic. But as this is a delicate matter it will take some time to write.
And yes is the answer to the question that’s so obviously on your mind I did take another bullet or two for my research on the ONS thing, oh how I suffer for my art. Actually I choose rather well this time. However I most assuredly wasn’t laying in wait for some guy to prance by and pounce on him or go out to bars and find some half drunken idiot (that idea alone gives me the creeps), I was just generally open to the concept of taking someone home eventually and yes I did use Tinder as a starting point this time. And funnily enough that is what eventually happened. Unexpected as it was I had a few rather pleasing (no pun intended) encounters. Mostly they were super sweet guys possibly making great boyfriends for someone. It did however became quickly apparent that although casual sex can be pleasing on a physical level it just holds no greater gratification or fascination for me. I mean it’s the same difference between going to a mind numbing aerobics class or actually learning a skill like pole or aerial. What’s the fascination of going through pretty much the same steps again and again starting from zero each time with each new song when you could just build on your skill set from learning spins to basic inverts to doing funky advanced moves once you know your bearing with your equipment. But as I am analytically minded and had time on my hands so I did think well I could write about the female perspective on this/female sexuality. It is however safe to say my research ended once I returned to Germany for the holidays and I have not got the time, inclination nor the mindset to deal with y-chromosomes while in foreign for the next several months. Also I do unfortunately under the correct circumstances form emotional attachments way to easy and hence could burn my hand on a candle flame… Enough said on that.
My CS experience part II
By the time I came back from Japan it was certain my Bali retreat would not go ahead so I decided to make a holiday of it instead. My flat got signed over to a new tenant starting on the 1st of December so I’d be homeless anyway and I just couldn’t have done that to my friend housing me for 2 straight weeks. However before flying off to Bali (which I had quickly organised into a fabulous and well planed holiday a la Dani organise maniac) I had also arranged some Interviews in Singapore, which I had planed and booked before I had said yes to South America or come to terms with my return to Europe. I couldn’t cancel the flights any more (well at least not in a way that would get me any of my money back) so I figured ok let’s just take the interviews it might still become relevant in the future and just enjoy Singapore for a few days. I do know some awesomely cool people over there whom I hoped I might get to spend some time with too. So I was set. Give CS another go, meet cool people, attend interviews, do yoga, see stuff. Well I should have guessed already after my first, although generally awesome, experience with CS that it’s just soooo not the same for us XX configurations than it is for our counter parts, so few things ever are.
I really tried to find a couch with a female CSer but it was not to be. After declining a handful of rather dubious offers, one guy literally just said: I am in Singapore the same dates and I am renting a hotel room you can share with me. I settled on what appeared a quirky guy eager and enthusiastic about sharing his culture and showing people about. Well, I thought, I can do quirky. Dear gods was I wrong. Room-ing with Hermes on crack would have been more sane. I don’t even know where to start with this dude.
Just to ensure you I did not feel unsafe on a physical level in a weird way he was way to nice to chop of my head and dissolve it in an acid bath type of thing but gosh this male had problems. I could have coped with his absolute constant prattle and his ego tripping but after spending two full days in his company I just couldn’t take the contradictions anymore or the fact that he tried to use me as a personal help line. That made me feel incredibly uncomfortable. After knowing the guy for just a few hours I was led into a conversations of: I just split up with my russian gf, who previously split up with me and then I split up with her and I spend huge amounts of money on travelling with her and then visiting her and do you think I should try and get back together with her. Another good one was: cry me a river my dad died when I was 14 and I had to be the man of the house, just for him to tell me later the next day that his dad used to beat him and his mum and she remarried a year after his biological dad had died.
Or this was a precious one too: My friend keeps calling me saying he’s gonna kill himself what should I do. He beat up his gf really bad, she was hospitalised, and hence he had to leave the country to not get arrested but now he wants to get back with her what do you think.
Oh and this one: him telling me how he doesn’t drink because he used to be an alcoholic like his/because of his dad just for me to see him drink the next day at an event we went to where I pointed out, that that might not be the behaviour I expect of a recovering alcoholic to which I was told he only stopped drinking because when he drinks he tends to take random women home with him and how that women over there really wanted to take him home and have lots of sex with him. And those are just some of the highlights. In the end I decided to spend the last two nights in a Hostel. On the bright side I did get to see a bit more of Singapore, the interviews went well and the highlights of my trip were visits to Sara’s, a fabulous little bar in the geographical center of Singapore, playing pool with some super awesome people. The trip was really worth it just to see Tinkabell and Rapunzel-cookie-monster those two are true quirky gems of the best kind and I hope to see them again in the future.
The impromptu holiday change
Once back in HK it was time to clear out my flat and get ready for my Bali well organised holiday… Guess what? Heard of that volcano thing that happened? Yea well my flight got cancelled. So I shifted my holiday by a few days attempting the same saga again just to end up booking an impromptu flight to the Philippines instead as the Bali volcano continued to have digestive issues. So my well planed travel itinerary went right out the window and I was now embarking on a holiday to a place I only knew existed in theory. I knew it was a bunch of Islands and that’s where my knowledge ended. There was no way I could repack the bag I had packed for Bali without causing a volcanic eruption of my suitcase all over my friends place so I figured well it’ll be warm there too. So glad I took at least my warm scarf!!! I randomly picked my first destination by looking at the map and proximity to Manila and ended up journeying to Tagaytay. Getting there was interesting and made me reminiscent of my bus journeys from Delhi to Rishikesh, yup it was that comfortable. My mind was set for well functioning, spiritual, vegetarian friendly and organised Bali, this was nothing like it. I did however have a great time after a bit of a rough start. Ironically I hiked up a volcano in my pretty, pretty heels and got chauffeured about in a tricycle that I thought might break into a million pieces any moment.
I learned to dive with a super cool instructor at a diving sanctuary/ resort in Bauan, which I had all to myself (the staff were amazing and I got fed soooo much good food) as it was mid week and the season had barely started. I experienced boat travel to the next island continued to dive in Sabang and tried very hard to ignore the 60 year old white guys with the 20 year old Filipino lasses. I eventually gave up on coffee as there was no good stuff to be had until I returned to crazy Manila. I even engaged in conversation with my next door neighbor and went diving and snorkeling with him. After 3 days of living next door to each other and talking quite a bit I still only know he’s Swiss, he has a passion for travel, diving and free diving and he works in IT and that is it, but at least I made a conscious effort to engage with another human being I had otherwise no relation to during my holiday. I also got to spend my last evening with an awesome friend of mine who lives in Manila and we had epic food, great coffee and lovely conversations, and I survived yet another dorm night where some guy snored so loudly you’d think there was an earthquake happening.
Detour a Madrid
After my epically random holiday I had another two days in HK before my odyssey back to Europe. Those days were superbly wonderful as I got to spend them with my dearest friends. There was picture silliness at the 9 ¾ Cafe, picture silliness and an almost hike on Lama, yoga in the morning, Indian dinner and wraps and mulled wine.
Now my venture to cold cold Germany got a little interlude as I had decided to detour to Spain. I had already booked my flights to visit a new acquaintance of mine who had recently been transferred to Madrid for work. Because you know 4 straight weeks in freezing Germany during the darkest time of year was just not quite bearable. Spain, I had never been to as an adult and certainly not Madrid. Again visiting Madrid had been a very ad hoc decision of mine but pieces are magically falling into place. Thinking of relocating to Europe there are only very few places I’d consider and Spain would be the most logical candidate but more about that later. Now as I was going to stay with a friend there was no need for CS (and considering my latest encounter thank the goddess for that) but I also knew my friend would not always have time so I did use CS to see if I might find a coffee buddy. Anyway first of I arrived in Madrid rather late (11pm) and to cut right to the chase thwarted an attempted assault on my person as one of the first things I did upon arrival. Some deranged guy actually tried to steal my stuff while still in the airport.
For the record I am very pleased how I managed to hold on to my belongings while screaming for help at the top of my lungs as well as working myself up into a respectable rage that meant if it hadn’t been for the fact that I was holding on to my stuff while lying on the ground I would have totally pommelled that guy. So instead of taking the Metro into town as I had planned I ended up spending several hours at the airport police station. Oh the joy! I didn’t even get coffee, TV shows lie to you!!! Of course I missed the last Metro and hence had to take the taxi to my friend’s house.
Now Madrid might be a heck of a lot further south then Germany BUT winter is cold here too. At least it was sunny and there are a lot more sunshine hours at these latitudes even in December. We explored Madrid on foot the next day and I enjoyed the delights of Spanish hot chocolate. My hot chocolate of doom, which I have made for many of my friends, is nothing in comparison. This stuff is like hot chocolate pudding in a cup. We encountered a superb harp player and the city center was littered with artistic people doing funky stuff. There were several Christmas markets from foodie stuff, over odd rambly things to artisan magic. The city itself holds many picturesque places so it was quite lovely to walk about. I even did the arty cultural tralala and went to the Prado and Reina Sofia. I did get to see some great Dali originals which made me very happy as for Picasso’s woman in blue? It’s ok but I don’t get the hype.
And as always my curious CS encounters continue and the guy I met for coffee during my stay was a rather interesting person to talk to mostly because I have never had the pleasure to met a porn actor before. Well now I have. I very much enjoyed talking about the industry and the blatant sexism in it. It’s been a few years since I wrote on Hustler for one of my University projects but it gave me at least some “historical” reference points lacking any first hand consumer knowledge of the industry. I was even invited to come along to the set to get a look behind the scenes now THAT would have been interesting and a great opportunity to talk to some of the leading ladies alas that adventure did not happen in the end I’m sorry to report. Maybe next time. There are a million questions I would love to ask one of the actresses in particular connected to feminism.
During the week days my friend was workwise engaged so I took some day trips to see a bit more but just Madrid. I ventured as far as Toledo and Segovia. Toledo is the best city to get lost in, you can spend all day doing that, specially when you are me! After all I have the same sense of orientation as a bat in daylight without sonar. Alas I did not crash into stuff. Apart from getting lost a lot I did spend some time looking at old historical structures which in Toledo means some type of monotheist building. While Hannuman makes it look touching as he opens up his chest revealing Sita and Rama sitting inside his heart, seeing bleeding hearts and an open ribcage on Jesus and Maria strikes me as even more morbid and somewhat more zombie style creepy than your average nailed dude to the cross. However looking down on Toledo from some of the bell towers was quite delightful.
Segovia really impressed with it’s aqueduct what an epic structure and the first one I’ve ever seen. Next time however I’d like to go hiking just outside of Segovia it looked just the place for it but not alone please.
Of course I also saw a flamenco performance which was pretty shiny. For my last night, as my friend could not accommodate me, I had booked myself into a hostel and made dinner arrangements with a lovely stranger (thank you internet) who made me laugh. Now why is it you meet the most interesting people at the end of a journey? Maybe because there are no endings only new beginnings...
Yule tide with family
Now we finally cycle back to the start of this entry. Here I am in Germany. I spend the festive season having the cold from Tartarus but at least at home with the family. All necessary family meetings were observed, New year was spend quite traditionally at my second family’s home and I even got to see some of my gang from the golden days of teenage-hood. I have been enjoying hand on fairy-goth-mothering my two young amazons and loath to part with them again. And here I am planning and not planing my actual 2018 adventure. The puzzle pieces are falling in line, fitting together and a pattern is very, very slowly emerging.
As I am intending to be in South America something like 6 to 7 month I figured the best perpetration as I was still incapacitated for physical training would be to learn Spanish. Already having encountered in Spain that English may not always work as the default language I’d rather be prepared travelling to the other end of the world.
The next 3 month I will undoubtedly spend in a multi cultural and multi lingual community but as Momentom Collective actively engages with the local people and we will be teaching for, among and with said community it seems but likely that any language skills I can hone till then may come in handy. There is also the fact that I, as of yet, have no idea what I will do once I leave the sanctum of the Collective. I have not planned that far because I do not know what new connections and opportunities the next few months may bring.
Right now I am just exited, scared, thrilled, overwhelmed at the thought of my time in the Artist Residency that takes me to the other end of the earth. I feel under prepared and way too much out of training but there is little I can do but hang myself on my hoop here at home and work on what I can. I just hope I can contribute in a worthwhile fashion and I hope to come out with new ideas to finally find my direction again and with it set up my own studio once more. At this stage everything is pointing in the direction of Spain for it. It would, after all, be the most logical conclusion for my return back to Europe.
Other than that I would like to see Peru, I certainly would like to travel through Panama (only so I may say: Oh wie schoen war Panama a la Jahnosh’s Traumstunde) and I would not mind just teaching yoga in a hotel or hostel for a while focusing on learning Spanish but nothing, absolutely nothing has been planed. Which in many ways is freaking me out when I think about it too much.
But as the puzzle pieces come together I am sure I will be lead in the right direction, just swimming with the flow so far has not been a bad thing so I will continue to dance like a leave on water as the river of my life takes me on my next journey.
Leaving my life so open ended without concrete plans is a scary thing for me. Everything is vague and can shift like ice fields on water, not something I am comfortable with. But this is my greatest project of all finding direction again without forcing the flow. Letting the arrow choose the way. Becoming one pointed as I once was, being the arrow and then flying true!
