When Love calls your name

You can cover your eyes and hide behind walls you've built around you
You can run for your life
Anytime there's a chance of someone breaking through
But sooner or later it comes to us all and even the strongest must fall

When love calls your name there's no saying no
You follow your heart wherever it goes
To the ends of the earth, for the rest of your days
Whatever it takes, yeah, you'll find a way
Through fire and rain, when love calls your name

Now I see a light and it keeps getting brighter
And it shows me the way
And it's there in your eyes, pulling me closer everyday
After all of this time, the tables have turned, yes, I'm finally ready to learn

When love calls your name there's no saying no
You follow your heart wherever it goes
To the ends of the earth, for the rest of your days
Whatever it takes, yeah, you'll find a way
Through fire and rain, when love calls your name

You do what you must, you take it on faith
You take it on trust, you're out of control
And all that you know, your world's not the same
When love calls your name

When love calls your name there's no saying no
You follow your heart wherever it goes
To the ends of the earth, for the rest of your days
Whatever it takes, yeah, you'll find a way
When love calls your name

I put Cher's song lyrics of When Love calls you name at the top of my post because that's the song that made me ball out my eyes today for no reason what so ever or not?

Been dreadfully emotional in the last week and been listening to quite a few songs that have been pulling my heart strings. Without thinking about it I may have also practised a few too many heart chakra opening asanas. The intention was to work on my back bends and inadvertently I have also opened up my anahata chakra.  It's wide open right now and my emotionally stifled self is currently going: "What the fudge is wrong with us? Where is all that emotional nonsense coming from? Just control yourself women!"

It has to be said that I usually govern my emotions, I am a rational being and although known to follow my gut feeling I don't tend to be overflowing with love. On the contrary I have spend a long time cultivating a certain distance from my emotions to the point that I found it hard to show my love and affection to my nearest and dearest. I am better at inspiring fear, justice, respect, curiosity and maybe loyalty but not love... On top of that I have build many walls throughout my last relationship to the extend that I found it easier to feel empathy with my favourite TV show character then my partner. Don't get me wrong I'm not a completely heartless individual but looking back created this distance in self defence, as it saved me from spiralling downwards and loosing myself completely. And although the walls have started to slowly cave in during my yoga training in the summer I must have been clinging on to some of them.

This winter has been a hard one for me and although the future appears to slowly look brighter the early spring sunbeams are still weak. I have been entirely broken and picked up the pieces, discarded them and decided to start all new.
Zero, blank sheet of paper.
I have kind of failed at life badly. My relationship imploded but the release from it set me free (oh sweet freedom how I had missed you), my business failed and although it was a very sad realisation made it easier to decide to move on. I unrooted myself but I knew where I was heading. I was destined to return to India and I set everything in motion just to be crushed and broken during my attempts to make it there. Maybe I wanted too much too soon. Wanted to leave, flee and not bother with any closure, I or others may need. Very selfish...

However once you are all the way down (homeless, jobless, no where to go, no money) and live in limbo not able to go forth or back you can either go crazy or you deal with the situation as best as possible. Well I did both. There were periods where I thought the best thing would be for someone to lock me up in an asylum for the mentally ill and if I hadn't been at home with my family that might have happened. That or spiralling down into what is commonly referred to as depression. However that's when I guess my survival instinct kicked in. Eventually something said: "Ok we are stuck in Limbo, we can't do anything about it whether we like it or not so here is the plan: Just don't care!" Part of me went "but I do care! I must know where I am going! And I know where I must go!" "Why? What's the point?" The only answer I could think of was that that's what I've always done, I set goals and that's where I go always in the pursuit of the next big thing in my life... but somehow that seemed a dumb answer right now. So instead I heard the other side say: "Well then, so we won't care! Things will happen in their own time and we will go where life takes us, never mind the when and where!"

So I started living in the moment. Easier said then done it's not something I'm good at... as everything I do usually has a purpose a goal attached to it and now it didn't. (The yogic principle of non-expectation springs to mind, I guess something I have to work on). I can't say I masted the art of living in the moment but I certainly stopped looking too far ahead. I spend a lot of time at home and with my friends and with myself. If nothing else I got calmer but also lazier. I bonded more with my best friend and her daughters as well as with my mum. The extra time I spend at home, because I had nowhere to go, meant I was able to see my aunt again as well as another friend that was off in far away lands. Also I was able to be there and help my friend through her first steps into freedom form a failing and suffocating marriage. And despite the occasional up-flairing despair about my situation I was quite content with my situation. I was fed and watered, I had something to wear (most of my stuff is in the UK I had a suitcase with just a couple of jumpers and skirts) and a bed to sleep in (all my parents charity really and I still live on charity right now, something I do not deal to well with, it bugs me I usually earn my keep) but for the first time I had no role, no title, no purpose, no goal (at least not one I could do anything about) but overall I was content. I wonder is that what's meant by aparigraha (non-possessiveness)?

Coming back/home to the UK I knew this wasn't my home anymore... It's a sad realisation when that happens. A place you have called home for over a decade and all of a sudden you feel you do not belong. Every time I have come of the plane in Scotland I knew I was home but now that feeling is gone, it floods me with sadness. Seeing my friends here makes me happy and gives me and them closure but they all know I will not stay. I hate to leave them behind but they will always be in my heart. I have vaguely formed a variety of plans as to what I may do and where I may go. The ideal goal is still India but I am not holding my breath too much on that after my first attempt so I am starting to look into other options. My heart is still rooted in India and I am sure I should be back there but who knows what the gods have in mind. My heart and soul yearns for India but I try to keep it in check as I just don't think I could survive to be crushed again... One thing is for sure Asia holds my fascination and that's where I would like to be heading. To do what and where? I don't know and I don't care (well I do but I try very hard not to). I go to the country that takes me. I teach whatever I can teach for as little as being able to stay and be fed and watered. Some of my friends think my plans exiting and cool. Personally I am scared as hell. I have never been scared of anything in my life. I may have been afraid of failing exams but that's probably been my greatest fear so far. I wanted to leave Germany so I did. I wanted to stay in the UK so I did. I wanted to study in the UK and so I did. I wanted to travel so I did. I wanted to start my own business and again so I did. However each time the goal was formed first, could be broken down and be prepared for and I just did whatever it took to achieve the goal. Now my goal isn't defined anymore. There is no preparing as I don't know what will happen and where I may go. This is uncharted territory for me and it scares me a bit. When I left for the UK it was uncharted territory but I knew that and hence it was ok. However I keep being told by myself "All will be well just wait and see". Wait! Now that's another thing I am not good at. However on the bright side I do love adventure and surely there is nothing more adventurous then uncharted territory, right?

Anyway being a lot more calm and relaxed about everything also meant that I apparently emotionally de-stressed for the first time in ages. So as I have been working on getting a little better at my back bends I must have cracked open that tightly shut heart chakra of mine. The glimpse I had seen of it in the summer had well closed up by now as I had way too much to deal with in the mean time. Meaning I locked the door and threw away the key. So first a couple of days ago I found a song that almost had me in tears (X-Japan - "Forever Love" if you must know) and despite that I kept playing it because it's just so beautiful. Then one of my honourable yoga teachers almost made me cry because he asked what's up and I actually told him all my bad luck of late (business, visa, family, jobless, homeless) in a very abbreviated version but I think he knows how I feel. He also said there are lessons to be learnt from it and I confirmed that I did. Oh gosh I definitely did. I hate to think I went through all that and took nothing away from it, I like to think I progressed enough to get a hint when life hits me with a brick shaped object.
Anyway today I just looked through my music and I put on that song When love calls your name and all of a sudden I just can't hold the tears in anymore. It's not tears of sadness or loss. Well maybe loss in the way of letting go but it's mostly positive. As much as crying is ever positive, freeing of stored up emotional baggage and letting go of attachments of all sorts maybe... It obviously had to come out but as far as I can tell all I cried about was the truth of the lyrics. Seeing love in this context not only as the love for a person but all Love. The love for your lover, the love for your friends, the love for your family, the love for yourself, the love for your dharma, the love for life, the love for all beings, the love for learning and wisdom, the love of the Universe, the love of the gods. Just Love for it's own sake.
I feel a bit like the Tin-man that got his heart from the wizard. Yes I had it all along but I didn't know so it feels all new and shiny.
Now with my emotinal caoz coming to an end maybe life will shape up again into something workable...